Relationships are tricky business.

We want them, we know we need them in varying degrees in our life, but so many of us have been hurt, disappointed, or burned by them that we begin to sabotage them out of self-defense.

For some of us, fear of commitment, of getting tied down or held back keeps us from pursuing a relationship. Perhaps we’re fearful of making the wrong choice, or at least a less than great, so we simply avoid making a choice at all.

For others who aren’t dating as much as they’d like, the problem isn’t a fear of commitment. You’re ready, intent on finding that perfect person that will mean this is the last first date you ever have to go on.

You’re in luck!

Here are 3 gems of advice to finding that perfect first date, a date where you ride off into the sunset of happily ever after.

          1. Stop Looking.

          2. It Doesn’t Exist.

          3. A date is a date, is a date. Nothing more.

That first date (or even the few after!) is not a marriage proposal. It’s not you entering into a binding agreement to commit the next 2 years towards making this work. It’s one night out, perhaps a drink, a movie, or a meal. It’s a chance for you to get to know that person to see if you even get along, connect or have anything in common.

Analyzing every potential date to see if they’re the one you want to walk down the aisle with doesn’t mean you’re going to hit the jackpot the first time. It means you’re going to keep being single, wondering why everyone steers clear of you.

Especially for us ladies, this mindset is incredibly daunting to a guy who is interested in us. A number of men have admitted to me that they avoid asking some girls out because they know that she won’t see it for what it is: a date. She’ll expect him to know exactly what he wants out of the relationship, where it’s going and whether he sees himself marrying her or not. All in the first 30 minutes of being together.

It’s a date!

It may eventually lead to a marriage proposal but putting that expectation on those first few dates will squash the relationship before it ever takes its first breath. We wouldn’t burden a new friendship with the expectation to become best friends, so why do we think this will work for romantic relationships?

There was a time, before we could stalk each other on Facebook and Google Search (yes, stalk), that we had to actually go out with someone, hold a real conversation, ask questions, and allow the relationship to slowly build. (That’s what my parents tell me they did back in the good ol’ days. )

Now, we’re so determined to know from the get-go whether this is going to be our soul mate and true love, that we scour the internet and quiz our friends for information, turning the actual date into an interview rather than a casual conversation.

There’s no such thing as the perfect date or the perfect mate.

Which is good, because then none of us would ever have a chance at finding love.

If you’re single, not afraid of commitment, and yet struggling to get a date, ask yourself this: are you expecting more from that date than is reasonable?

Are you putting so much pressure on this to work forever that you’re sabotaging what has the potential to be a great relationship?

Photo courtesy of aniruddh dube via flickr